A Beautiful Death

Updated: Oct 1, 2018

Before I met him (we’ll call him Jon), I had already decided. He was the best friend of one of my closest friends. My mind was made up, it’s not happening. I had seen Jon’s picture and yes he was cute. Regardless, the decision had been made. I would never cross that line for the sake of our mutual friend. So, Jon and I became friends, just friends. In three months of friendship I learned Jon was extremely corny. In addition, he was arrogant and a lot a bit of a realist. Let’s all take a moment here to say it together, “ewwwww”.

Now, I’ll pause here so I can tell you about myself. I am an artist and a dancer. I gave my life to Christ in the 5th grade and believe loving people is part of my DNA. I love to travel and I want to take over the world. Most importantly, I’m batman! Pause over!

Clearly, none of this would matter if I didn’t decide to date Jon anyway. My issue is that I really like cornballs! Go figure right! I also found Jon quite intriguing and more attractive than I wanted to admit at first. Three months of friendship also showed me he was a very supportive friend and intelligent. I like smart! Hubba Hubba! So, after some flirting and a little bit of playing around, Jon sat me down for adult conversation. The kind of conversation that allows both parties to honestly express themselves and their desires and afterwards, come to a mutual agreement. Yep, the kind of conversation that seems too mythical to be true for some. He told me he was interested in me and thought we clicked well. I agreed. I shared with him my desires for a long term God fearing relationship and that I wanted to be courted. He told me he’d like to give it try. So it started.

Now, please don’t get it twisted. The conversation was much longer and much deeper than mentioned. Better yet, let me pause again to share some more about myself. I can be a little bit stubborn and when I say I little, I mean a lot. I’ll explain it to you another way. At the start of 2018, God told me it was time for me to date. (For those of you who are confused about experiencing God, imagine any clear unction in your mind or heart, and then multiply it by ten). It was an ongoing message I was receiving and I rejected it at first. My rejection didn’t keep the advances from coming of course. My reason you ask? Because I was enjoying thinking of only me. I don’t think there is a better way to say it than that. Also, I was focused on building my empire, one brick at a time, and a relationship didn’t seem worthy of shifting my schedule for. BUT, I also made a promise to myself that I’d be obedient therefore I acquiesced, eventually.

SO, fast forward to this conversation with Jon. I also expressed to him that I was dragging my feet with this whole dating thing and he would need to be patient with me (which he was). Oh, and did I mention I’m a virgin? OMG, yes ladies and gentlemen, the V word. There are about 6 of us left but us 6 stand strong! Not only am I a virgin but I’m waiting for marriage!!!! God bless him right?! Anywho, I knew that Jon and I had different beliefs about the world but still I felt compelled to move forward.

Date 1 at the Whitney Museum

After that first adult conversation, Jon waited a full month before taking me out on our first official date. Why? Because that’s when I could fit him into my schedule! Like I said, God bless him! For the month leading up to the date, we still hung out, as we did before, getting to know each other more and more. And that first date, two thumbs up. I learned that Jon pays attention to the details. We spent the entire day together, from the Whitney museum, to the high line, to ice cream sandwiches and more. He even let me torture him with the movie, Fantasia 2000. I know how to pick em right? So, for 3 months, Jon and I dated. There were more beautiful dates and some disagreements. There was poetry, family events, cuddles and new levels to understanding. I learned that what looked like arrogance was truly miscommunication. I learned that realist simply meant scientist and an appreciation for fact-checking which I’ve also learned to admire. When Jon spoke about his work and his patients, he was passionate which made me smile. He was extremely affectionate, which I didn’t know I needed until he’d put his arms around me. We argued once and we argued well! I didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself to him. He had been hurt by words I’d said. So, we fixed it. We got together and talked it out. We got together again after that and talked some more. I haven’t used the hurtful words again and the next time I needed a safe space to simply be, he created one. He always showed up. I felt safe with him and cared for. I don’t think I’d ever left him without smiling. I learned how to communicate better than before- and I was already a good communicator just so you know!

So, what happened right? The question arose, “where do you see us going?”. And just like that, it was different. No need for dramatic music, we kept it cordial. We don’t share the same “faith”. Is respect for the other person’s spirituality enough to sustain a long term relationship? A marriage? How do you raise kids in such a house? We talked. We talked more. The conversation would start and not finish, slowly easing its way into another topic. And finally, it was time for a conclusion. “You know I’ll never get into the whole church thing right?” I can admit, the words stunned me a little. And that was it. “So, what are we doing?” And just like the moment seemed quick when I opted in to this journey, opting out happened just as fast. But, we had built something bigger than simple emotions. We had created a relationship. Hurt, sadness wasn’t a good enough reason to walk away bitter. So, yes ladies and gentlemen, you’ve guessed it- we talked. I didn’t fully grasp his indignation towards a body of worship while we dated. He was somewhat unclear about what my lifestyle entailed for my future partner. We chalked up the last three months to educating ourselves on what we needed to learn to become better. We shared a final kiss and made peace with continuing as friends or so we thought.

That was Thursday night/ Friday morning. You could imagine, the following weekend was rough. Mind you, we weren’t even an item. SMH! SO, then it was Monday. Jon told me had something for me. He came over, we enjoyed some small talk and ate together. Then, he did it. He tossed me upside-down. No, not literally. He presented me with a beautiful poem (entitled "A Beautiful Death" hence the blog title) that expressed all of the perfect imperfections of our time spent together and broke it down for me word for word. I cried. I’m a crier. We spoke about the places we worked well together and inevitably where we didn’t. In came the confusion. As we broke down our separate beliefs about Adam and Eve and evolution, we actually found more places where we overlapped. We cleared up our assumptions about each other and realized we aren’t as far from each other on the spectrum as we thought. Still, there were some discrepancies. I felt my heart teetering between “just try and let love prevail” and “this will never work, run”. We spoke for over three hours, separated and came back together. Over four hours of additional conversation still left us with no resolve. Tuesday, we tortured ourselves with over 4 hours of more conversation, really good conversation at that and yet again nothing. In our own time, we sought advice from others who didn’t make the decision any easier.

The part you’re waiting for? It took us three days to decide to just be friends; technically longer if you consider our separate contemplation over the weekend. It didn’t make sense to be together simply because we were afraid of never experiencing “this” again. So Kat, what the heck was the point of all of this? I’m happy! Even now, with occasional thoughts of,” is this really the right choice?”. I am happy and I’m proud. I feel good knowing that I was obedient and a beautiful history was created. I am proud of not running away from my pain but experiencing all that this decision had to offer. I always promised myself to feel wholeheartedly, even when the feeling was painful and I did that. I may not have gotten it across well enough but deciding to disconnect from someone who you have a natural connection with at any level is heart wrenching. I felt that with Jon. He was accepting of me as the tree-hugging, Jesus loving, eclectic, ashy, and feisty lil Haitian that I am. As a “confident” and “independent” woman, he helped me recognize the value in having someone compliment me genuinely and often. Initially, I brushed it off, telling myself I didn’t need it (which is true) but still an unnecessary response when someone is expressing their love. Jon created a space for me to let my guard down, often saying “you can always call me”. He shared intimate parts of himself with me, thereby leading by example. I learned how to break away from my schedule and to enjoy the moment with him. I can go on and on about all he’s taught me but what’s most important is what happens next. Will we apply the lessons learned? I pray for the happy ending, as does he. I’ve heard before that if you love a thing, you must let it go. If it returns, then it was always yours. If Jon and I are supposed to be together, I believe the opportunity will arise again. But, if we are not, then I’m so happy that God saw it fit that we experience each other in order for us to be better for our future partners. And yes, I mean that.

We weren’t created to live life based on fear. If you fear separation, you will settle. If you fear commitment, you will miss out on fullness of life. If you fear pain, you will never experience true joy because shutting the door on one, shuts the door on all. I am better because I have felt and I have faced. So, bring on the next adventure! Wisdom looks good on me! And as for Jon, THANK YOU!! You are truly special and deserving of a relationship that both grows you and accepts you! So, get what’s yours! And I will do the same!


Our final date was at the Botanical Gardens

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